New Me

I haven't written a real blog post in a while. I've been looking over some of my older posts, and I've been sort of surprised by the change I see in myself. For a while, I thought I had it all together. And I wrote as if I did. I didn't mean it in a judgmental way. I truly desired to see my blog help other people grow, because I cared for them. But what about me? What about my growth? I can preach and lecture, and set rules for myself, and try to follow by them, but if I don't change, then it is all worthless. This summer, my eyes were opened up to see just how little in my life I can control. And for a major control freak, such a realization is disheartening. But I've come to the conclusion that I can't fix myself. I can't always control what happens to me. I can't always be in charge of my emotions. I can try to make a checklist for myself of do's and don'ts, and try to follow it, but I am a human being, and I will never be perfect.

Praise the Lord, because He doesn't leave us alone to try to fix ourselves. I thank God that I am a sinner, because it causes me all the more to run to Him, and throw myself in his arms. I am so weak, but He is everlastingly strong. Yes, I must still take responsibility for my sin, but I can no longer feel guilty. God has forgiven me, and it is time for me to learn to forgive myself. All to often, we think about forgiving the other person 70 x 7, but what about forgiving yourself?

And so, a new season begins in my life, in which I give up the control, give up trying and striving after what I cannot gain on my own, and give it all into God's able hands. His grace and love are more than enough to cover a multitude of my sins. I'm done feeling guilty and I'm done straying away from God because I don't feel that I am good enough to come to Him. He chose me, and he loves me for who I am at this very moment, and I must trust in His love. It's time for a change. It's time for a new me.

Portraits

I haven't posted in a while, so I wanted to do something a little different. SO, these are "word pictures" of three of my dearest friends.

C. P. C.

Adorable in every way,

Brings a smile, makes my day.

Loves with abandon,

Gives herself to the full.

Loyal to the end.

Such a deep thinker,

Finding hidden depths

That most of us yearn to see.

Searching for the treasure,

Finding the jewel in everyone around her.

Poetic soul

That longs to find its resting place.

A bird who cannot cease to fly,

Though it is afraid of falling.

A perfect rosebud,

Whose beauty and depth

Never cease to unfold.

You are my joy.

C. J. C.

Clever Beauty,

Witty Belle.

Brilliant in every way.

Never ceases to amaze me,

Like a diamond with hidden facets.

Thoughtful and caring,

Loves without regret.

Without a trace of pretense.

Never afraid to be who she is.

Stands for what she believes in.

A spotless lily.

Uncompromisingly truthful.

Honest to the core.

With you to the bitter end.

Beautiful reality.

You are my strength.

A. R. C.

Incomparable.

Beautiful Dreamer.

Lovely in every way.

Always loving, always caring.

Unaware of her true worth.

Priceless Pearl.

A wonderful listener.

A tender violet,

Whose fragrance sweetens everything around her.

Always makes those around her

Feel appreciated and loved.

A constant source of tranquility.

Sweetly peaceful.

Finds happiness in the small things.

Trustworthy.

So easy to be with.

Brings out the best in everyone.

You are my serenity.

Saving Sunrise

This summer, I went through some really down times. It's really hard to put into words, but I just felt overwhelmed and overcome by everything in my life. I felt like I had no purpose, and like I didn't know where God was leading me. But just recently, God has filled my heart with such joy! Part of it is wonderful friends He has brought into my life, and part of it is simply the faith God has given me to trust that he loves me no matter what!!! It is such comfort to be able to know that no matter what I do, he loves me with an everlasting love. May you all receive the power to grasp "how wide and long and high and deep is the Love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge."

This is a poem I wrote about some things the Lord brought to my heart. I have to say, it's not well written, nor is it particularly well thought out, but rather reflects my feelings and emotions at the time. So, excuse its imperfections and allow it to be simply an offering for any other "ragamuffin" souls out there who are searching for peace.

Saving Sunrise

Dedicated to my dear friend Chelsea

Wracked with sobs,

My body crumbles into pieces

From the inside out.

My heart is torn apart,

Ripped in half by my own hands.

An endless, burning fire eats away at me

Causes me to feel as though

I have nothing left to give.

Formidable ramparts,

Now wreathed in flames,

Topple to the ground.

A hollow wind whistles through

The empty ruins of my heart.

How could this be part of your plan?

Those walls I built so carefully are now destroyed,

Torn down by my own hands.

Myself the enemy,

The battle has slit me in half.

Desperate longing,

Pleading with myself to understand.

A wretched captive,

Clutching at her chains,

But wanting so badly to be free.

The stone-filled night wraps around me.

Cold and hard, it holds no sympathy for me.

My sorrowing heart

finds its death in sleep.

My eyes open in waking,

The tear-filled night is over.

The sunrise is breaking,

The wind is blowing still but now it soothes.

The ashes have blown away.

And now I can see the dawn,

Rising over the edge

of my burned-out shell,

And I know you are in the sunrise.

Your warmth envelopes me,

Reaches down into the very heart of me,

Stirs to life the embers of my worn-out soul.

The walls are gone,

But now I see the garden that will grow there,

Covering the broken stones with life.

Flowers will blossom between the cracks

Of the crude and make-shift castle I had built.

The gate may still stand,

But now it swings open wide.

Welcoming trees stand within,

Reaching out with arms of fragrant green,

Offering the weary traveler rest and peace.

And all of this because of you,

I had no part in its creation,

And I will have no part in its continuation,

But I will keep the door open wide,

Allowing you to grow your life in me,

I will no longer be a builder,

I’ll hand in my hammer for a shovel,

And though I may not have control,

I will work alongside of you,

Trusting the Master Gardener

Knows his plan,

Understanding that nothing I can give

Will ever add to the beauty you cultivate,

And always remembering the faith you gave me,

Trusting you to bring the necessary rain,

To keep my heart soft and responsive to your touch,

And finding you in every sunrise

that brings life to my weary soul.

Finally set free,

I feel like I could fly.

My soul rises and sings,

Because you are in the sunrise.

Ragamuffin For Christ

As you may know, Rich Mullins is one of my favorite musicians. I don't know exactly when I started to really enjoy his music and see the deeper meaning in his songs, but I do know that I owe my knowledge of his music to my mother, who was incredibly touched and blessed by it. So when I was browsing the religious section at Borders, and saw a book with his name on it, I immediately picked it up. "The Ragamuffin Gospel" was the title, written by a man named Brennan Manning. "Are you bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out?" the back cover asked me. Well, yes, I thought to myself, I have been feeling a bit burnt-out lately. Truth be told, I had been rather down for the past few weeks. I was struggling with some desires of the heart that weren't being fulfilled in what I felt was the right timing, and on top of it all, I didn't seem to be making any headway spiritually. I mean, I'd been a Christian practically my whole life. Shouldn't I have something to show for it by now? Shouldn't I be a better person, shouldn't I have grown more spiritually? If I was a strong Christian, shouldn't the greatest desire of my heart be to spend time in God's word, to draw closer to Him, and shouldn't I be willing to trust Him implicitly? If I love God, then why do the desires of the world and so many other things pull at me and distract me from His presence? Shouldn't He be enough to satisfy me? Why does my heart burn and ache for things that are so unworthy compared to Him?

Feeling skeptical, I sat down in one of the many arm chairs with which Borders is littered, and began to read. After reading just one page I was hooked. For the next week, I pored over the book, spending maybe an entire hour reading just one chapter, going back and re-reading things that didn't make sense to me, making sure I had noted the most important points. For me, spending an hour on one chapter is ridiculously slow. I tend to speed-read through most books. If a book isn't terribly challenging, it usually only takes me a day or two to finish it, provided of course, nothing else is occupying me at the time. But this book was different. Somehow I knew that there was a great spiritual truth to be grasped within its pages, that what I had been so hungering and thirsting after for so long was to be found among the lengthy, intellectual quotes and quirky reminisces. And so, I continued to read, and as I did, I found out something incredible, something that had been hidden in the pages of scripture but which I had never yet come across. It was something that I had failed to learn in most of the churches I had so far attended. No one had ever made this clear to me before, and the revelation of it took my breath away. And this is it: God, the great, awesome, powerful God who created the heavens and the earth, who orchestrated the universe and placed the stars in the sky, this same God wants me. Not just loves me, or cares about me, even though those are incredible as well, but He actually wants me! Insignificant though I am, wretched though I am, a poor, despicable, filthy, sinful human being I may be, but He wants me. He actually desires me. He loves me with a love that goes beyond my wildest comprehension, beyond anything I could imagine or dream of, beyond the most passionate love ever felt by a human heart. And I am His. His chosen child, bought with his precious blood, and I don't have to earn anything. There is no need for me to prove my self to Him. I don't need to perfect myself before I come to Him, for there is nothing I can do that would be of the least bit of use. To try to justify myself before coming to Him would be as if a little child felt they had to perform several Herculean tasks before running to their Daddy for a hug. Instead, this quote is true a true example of my heavenly Father's feelings for me when I come to Him in prayer.

"A father is delighted when his little one, leaving off her toys and friends, runs to him and climbs into his arms. As he holds his little one close to him, he cares little whether the child is looking around, her attention flitting from one thing to another, or just settling down to sleep. Essentially the child is choosing to be with her father, confident of the love, the care, the security that is hers in those arms. Our prayer is much like that. We settle down in our Father's arms, in his loving hands. Our mind, our thoughts, our imagination may flit about here and there; we might even fall asleep; but essentially we are choosing for this time to remain intimately with our Father, giving ourselves to him, receiving his love and care, letting him enjoy us as he will. It is very simple prayer. It is very childlike prayer. It is prayer that opens us out to all the delights of the kingdom."

For me to feel that I must make myself better before I can go to God in prayer, that I should and must feel guilty when my mind is distracted during prayer, or my thoughts wander during reading His word, is an affront to God's love for me. Instead, I must become like a child. Children are not concerned with what is thought of them. They simply know and trust that their Father loves them, and that is all that matters. To truly trust in God's grace and love for me is to believe that God loves me with every single one of my failings, that if I sat down to dinner with Jesus, who knows every skeleton in my closet, every thought and evil desire in my head, I would still feel accepted and loved by Him.

So, I've finished the Ragamuffin Gospel, and I'm now reading through it again. I've missed this truth of God's grace for so long that I can't afford to overlook any of it. "For grace proclaims the awesome truth that all is gift. All that is good is ours, not by right, but by the sheer bounty of a gracious God. While there is much we may have earned-our degree, our salary, our home and garden, a Miller Lite, and a good night's sleep-all this is possible only because we have been given so much: life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love. We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh. We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt. This and so much more is sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer. Even our fidelity is a gift. "If we but turn to God," said St. Augustine, "that itself is a gift of God." My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply love by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."

NEXT 2010! Be there if you can!

I just wanted to let all of my readers know about an amazing conference going on May 28-31 in Baltimore, Maryland. It's called Next.

Joshua Harris, Christian Author and Pastor of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, started a conference called New Attitude, of which Next is a continuation. Next brings together thousands of young people each year for the purpose of equipping them with a full understanding of the gospel, in order that they might be able to pass of the GOOD NEWS of Jesus Christ to a future generation. Follow this link in order to find out more:http://www.thisisnext.org

Although I have never been able to go, I have been incredibly blessed from listening to the audio messages from last year's conference, and from there, listening to messages off of the Sovereign Grace website, some of which you may have read about in my earlier posts. My spiritual life, in consequence, has grown, and I have learned so much about the importance of the gospel to my life as a Christian, and how it affects me each and every day.

I would heartily encourage anyone who can to travel to Baltimore for Memorial Day weekend, and enjoy fellowship with like-minded Christians, as well as teaching from wonderful speakers such as Jeff Purswell, D.A. Carson, and C.J. Mahaney. It is our responsibility as the future generation to carry out the trust with which we have been endowed, which is the spreading of the Gospel of Christ. And Next might be able to help us do just that.

Kisses From Katie

As I read Katie's blog today, I was filled with an overwhelming sense of longing. Katie is a 21-yr old girl living all alone in Uganda and raising 12 children on her own. She spends her days ministering to children who suffer from all manner of diseases and incredible poverty. And she does it all with an amazing amount of hope, love, patience, and courage. Reading her accounts of motherhood in a third-world country, I find my self confronted with my own inadequacy. It is stories like hers that make me want to quit college, hop on a plane, and fly half-way around the world. But instead, I sit here, living out my hum-drum experience. I want so badly to be more than I am. I am so far from perfect. I am impatient, disrespectful, prideful, selfish, angry, sinful, and so much more. I long to be made in the image of Christ. I long to always act and speak as I should instead of constantly failing. I wish I always knew what to say. I wish I could always forgive easily. I wish ... I were more like Jesus. But then I remember, He's working on me, and He isn't finished yet. I don't know what the future holds, but I must trust Him to lead me. So, thank you Katie for your inspiration and your example. May I strive to become more like my heavenly Father, and in turn, become more like you. (Check out Katie's blog. The link is at the bottom of the page listed under my favorite blogs and websites)

LOVE

So, today being Valentine's Day, I thought it appropriate to share with you all my favorite LOVE poems. However, I've heard that poetry is the food of love, but I've also heard that music is the food of love. So, I've decided to include my favorite love songs as well. Hope you enjoy them!!!

Sonnet 116~ William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters where it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

Oh no! It is an ever fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is not shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out, even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

"The Way you Look tonight"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDh4GC7n0ig

"When I Fall in Love"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfAb0gNPy6

She Walks in Beauty ~ Lord Byron SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Sonnet #43 ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints!---I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!---and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

"Everything"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY

"All I Do is Dream of You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO8xHwijBa8

"Unforgettable"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bfu4V3CmHso&feature=related

Day by Day

I've started reading Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot for my devotional again. It is such a wonderful book, filled with innumerable insights and pieces of wisdom. Today was about, you guessed it, keeping a quiet heart. Jesus, in his earthly career, was able to keep a quiet heart, to sleep through the storm without worry or fear, because he trusted his Father's plan for him. Do trust our Father's plan for us? We are brothers and sisters with Christ, children of the inheritance, because of His death on the cross. We share the same Father. Do we trust him with every day and everything that happens throughout that day? The countless interruptions, the little things that frustrate us, all of those things are planned by God and given to us as our daily portion. Each time something stands in our way, it is a gift from God to be used for his glory. When the car breaks down just as you needed to get somewhere, or the oven refuses to work right before dinner, or the computer crashes while you were working on an important project, it is hard to think of as being "part of the plan". But perhaps all of these things are the plan. Perhaps the project is not what is truly important, but rather how you deal with everything else today is what really matters. Can we trust the God who created the universe with the order and plan of our day to day lives? This hymn, written by Lina Sandell, is a wonderful testimony to trusting the Lord.

Day by Day

Day by Day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,

I've no cause for worry or for fear.

He whose heart is kind beyond all measure

Gives unto each day what He deems best-

Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord himself is near me

With a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares, He fain would bear, and cheer me,

He whose name is Counselor and Power;

The protection of his child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure",

This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation,

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith's sweet consolation

Offered me within Thy holy word.

Help me Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

Ever to take, as from a Father's hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till I reach the promise land.

Psalm 103

Recently, God opened my eyes to the incredible beauty of Psalm 103. Read it slowly, carefully, and write it's words on your heart as you do. It is a beautiful promise from God of His love for you.

Psalm 103

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

³ who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

⁶ The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

¹² as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

¹⁹ The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

²² Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

More on "The World"

I just wanted to share with you all a few things I gleaned from the outlines of the "In The World But Not Of The World" messages I've been listening to. First up is a few "Biblical Principles of Conduct" by C.J. Mahaney which can apply to any activities, media related or otherwise. Here they are:

1. Does it present a temptation to sin? Romans 13:14, 2 Timothy 2:22

2. Is it beneficial? 1 Corinthians 6:12a, 1 Corinthians 10:23

3. Is it enslaving? 1 Corinthians 6:12b

4. Does it honor and glorify God? 1 Corinthians 10:31

5. Does it promote the good of others? 1 Corinthians 10:33

6. Does it cause anyone to stumble? 1 Corinthians 10:32

7. Does it arise from a pure motive? Jeremiah 17:9

Three Encouragements to Changing Media Habits

1. Change the set-up of your home - don't make media omnipresent or central in it.

2. Look for places in your schedule where media is becoming the default activity and do something else.

3. Periodically fast from different forms of media.

~ Joshua Harris

Defining Worldly Entertainment

1. It promotes an evil message. It presents evil as good. This can be done through celebrating sins, such as lying, stealing, fornication, or adultery. Sin is presented in an attractive way.

2. It uses an evil method. Regardless of the point of the story, the performers are made to behave in ways that are shameless and immoral. A story may lead to the conclusion that adultery is bad, but if we must wallow through a sea of flesh to reach this conclusion, the work qualifies as worldly.

These are just a few of the examples of the encouraging and challenging content to be found in this series. I highly encourage you to listen to these messages and evaluate your own media habits. I would like to end my post with a prayer by John Piper that I think is extremely relevant to our situation as Americans in a media-soaked culture.

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity. O God, open our eyes to the vastness of the sufferings of Christ and what they mean for sin and holiness and hope and heaven. We fear our bent to trifling makes us awake to the weight of of glory - the glory of Christ's incomparable sufferings."

In the World

Lately I've been working on memorizing 1 John 2:15-17. Here's Kara Martus version of what it says:

"Do not love the culture, structure, lifestyle, entertainment, media, attitude, or behavior of this world. If you immerse yourself in, desire, or revere any of the aforementioned things, the love of the Father (i.e. the dedication and fear of the Lord which comes from obedience and gratitude) is not in you. For everything in the world- the craving for power, control, wealth, fame; the lusting after things, people, or position; the boasting of what you are and have and do, according to the world's standards (boast only in the cross of Christ)- come not from God and his grace, but from the influence of the world. All of these things, even this very world, will pass away, but the man who follows God's will for his life, who trusts Him and does what His word commands, will attain eternal life."

Talk about conviction! What is terribly sad is that most likely a third of my waking hours are spent in the pursuit of entertainment. Joshua Harris had so many good points in his sermon on the subject. His two main points are as follows:

1) Half a Poison Pill Won't Kill You

2) If You Don't Enjoy it, There's No Calories

We Christians are so good at figuring out ways to get around our consciences. But all of these are just as ludicrous as those statements. When you think about it, it's so true, it's not even funny anymore. It's just as ridiculous to try to figure out how much sexual innuendo, immorality, language, and violence we can handle as it is to try to figure out how much of a poison pill we can take without dying. It may not kill you, but poison sure builds up in your system. And just because we don't enjoy it, doesn't mean it isn't affecting us. If we sit there and groan and sigh and roll our eyes during the scenes we don't like, we're still watching it. It's just as stupid as saying just because you don't like chocolate cake, doesn't mean you won't be intaking calories when you eat it.

I once heard that if you cannot honestly thank God for what you watched or listened to or read, than it isn't worth it. May God give us the grace to apply this principle to our lives, and to be willing to give up all, even our precious entertainment, for the sake of Christ and his gospel.